Horatio's Shaky Marraige

“Penelope, where’s my shaving crème?” Horatio scratched the mountain range of infected hair follicles in his scraggly beard as he rifled through the bathroom cabinet for the canister.

“It was empty so I threw it out,” Her thin voice drifted from the kitchen.

“Woman!” Horatio slammed the cabinet door. “You never throw any of my shit out, hear me? That can had at least one more use in it!”

“You’re a hoarder, Horatio! Get another can out of the other bathroom you lazy ass!” The voice was considerably more hostile. She turned on the blender.

Between the sound of the blender and his major hangover Horatio could barely think. All he could feel was a growing rage and general loss of self-control. He was shaking as he stood over the toilet in a stupor. He threw up a few times then collapsed on the floor.

When he woke up he was looking MK in the eyes. “You’re a sorry excuse for a man, Horatio.”

“Fuck you, bastard. Why do I put up with your shit?”

MK started to laugh. He laughed and laughed. Horatio was getting freaked out by the hilarity of the situation. What was so funny, anyway?

“Why are you even here in my house? Don’t you live on a ship or something? I thought I wouldn’t see you again for another year.”

MK just shook his head and wiped away tears from all of his laughing. “I got a temp job in town and I thought I’d come by to see how things were going. You know what Penelope said to me when I walked in?”

“No, what.” Horatio wiped the drool off his face as he came to his senses

“She said: Oh look, the real wife in this relationship is home.”

Horatio growled. “That bitch treats me worse than you do. I don’t know why I-”

“-why you put up with either of us, I got it the first time. You stay because we’re the only people who will tolerate you. Relationships require reciprocation. You get out what you put in.”

“If I wasn’t totally stoned I’d say you were trying to insinuate I’m the cause of my own problems. Point taken.”

MK looked down at the sorry mess curled up next to the toilet below him. “You can’t live like this. You need to be back where you belong.”

Horatio’s eyes narrowed. “You got an opening for a crook?”

“You’re always welcome on my ship, bud. You’ll have to leave the Mrs. Horatio Terazzazi home though.” MK met Horatio’s eyes as they both grinned.

“She doesn’t like the stink of your ship the way I do anyway. She’ll find some loser to entertain herself with while I’m gone.” Horatio got up and dusted himself off. “We go.”